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its hard to breathe...
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries.
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2005.06.01 11.31
NEW LIVE JOURNAL. ADD _n00b PLEASE AND THANKYOU.
and in _n00b the '00' are zeros cause im SO lame like that
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2005.06.01 11.17
monday night was awesome. friggin. awesome. it was so good to be with you. but last night was a bit of a joke. i barely saw you...?
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2005.05.30 16.55
hey whats up worst day ever? keep pushing me away, you'll end up pushing me right out of your life... or is that what you really are trying to achieve? im fucking fed right the fuck up with you. you treat me like shit, and no single human being in existance has ever made me cry as much as you.. why the fuck do i bother..
ugh i hate women.
actually maybe i just hate people.
or maybe i love getting hurt.
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2005.05.29 12.30
i layed in bed in a drunken stupor and i heard a familiar ringing. blindly reached to my shelf and groggily said "hello?". the voice which replied was familiar, but the words she said caught me off guard. it was a huge mess, one that should have never happened, im sorry for the misunderstanding, but as promised im adressing this to you. if i could pull a star out of the sky, id give it to you, to keep you warm when i cant. and that night i saw you so long ago, that flower i picked, was really for you.
have a good day and keep smiling sunshine.
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2005.05.28 14.37
wow, what a serious waste of time you are. i bet if i never made any attempt to contact you ever again, i would nevr hear from you, ever again...
and thats pretty fucking shitty of you.
Mood:  crappy
Music: in the back seat - the arcade fire
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2005.05.28 14.15
so last night my phone never rang so im assuming you found something better to do...
Mood: crushed
Music: eau d'bedroom dancing - le tigre
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2005.05.27 15.13
sittin around thinkin about you.. sittin around thinkin about you too. what the hell is happening tonight.. youre having some top secret date with slutface or something.. and what about you? going to some lamer party or something?
lame.
i need to hear your voice
and feel your heartbeat//
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2005.05.25 20.02
i have decided i might get another sketchbook... i havent drawn or wrote for quite some time now.. i used to always take a sketchbook with me, no matter where i went.. i think i might get back into the habit. im not sure why though, i mean its good to express yourself, but i have like 10 full ones that just sit in a box in my room. maybe one day ill reflect on everything ive been through, everything ive recorded over the years, just get completely drunk and remember.. then go down to the lake and set them ablaze.. and send the ashes to a watery grave. seems kinda romantic in a way.. i seem to have a lot of frustration and influences right now that i could put into my art anyway.. maybe one day ill be famous for it...
where are you??
Mood:  creative
Music: love love love - the organ
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2005.05.25 15.08
i dont even know what to write about anymore.. im grounded cause of my shitty marks and if i fail i get kicked out.. but on the bright side, today was fucking beautiful.. absolutely gorgeous. ryan and i ran up and down the creek at lunch and found a duck with a bunch of little duckies.. but later an otter came and ate one :\
ok im so totally going to quit smoking soon. im not sure how soon, but its gunna happen.
ahh work 4-7 tonight,,, bronte sobeys.. hook it up..
i hope i talk to you tonight...
Mood:  cheerful
Music: hype - tegan and sara
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2005.05.24 19.13
i dont want to get ahead of myself, but i might be starting to forget about you.. but this could only be temporary.. only time will tell.. i guess this is good? after all, you told me not to get involved anymore.
omfgzzzz why are you so totally effin cute?!
Mood:  contemplative
Music: tegan and sara - living room
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2005.05.23 21.18
and after all these nights, do i even matter?
Mood: crushed
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2005.05.22 12.36
I FUCKING HATE EX GIRLFRIENDS WHO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!
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2005.05.22 11.40
what could you be doing that is so much fun, without me by your side.. do you even miss me at all? cause it you keep making it seem like youre having the time of your life without me. ive tried. ive fucking tried so hard. ive done everything except physically die for you.. and even if i did that, would you notice? would you care? would it make any difference in your life whATSOever? cause youve led me to beleive that it wouldnt make a difference. i know you dont put me first anymore.. but im not even in the lineup anymore. youve picked me up and placed me on a desolate island in the middle of nowhere. and no matter how loud i yell or how hard i scream, you dont hear me. you dont see me. im just another face in the crowd now.. but how could that be?? were all those 'i love yous' emptier than we are now? i cant even fathom how things could have gotten so fucking bad.. between us - between you and i - not 'us'. how is it even possible for me to still have feelings for you after everything you put me through!? you obviously were over me way before we broke up... i dont think the whole mess would be so bad if you didnt dump me and jump into someone elses arms... you know damn fucking well im not over you.. so why would you continue to put me through this bullshit? have you ever heard of RESTRAINT? like fuck. you were all over her before we even broke up. why do i even bother with you. why do i even fucking bother with you. you have given me every reason to cut you out of my life forever and i dont. but why...
as for you, i really miss you, like.. i think about you more than her more often than not, but why do i even do that!? youve clearly told me 'no', and yet i persist.. ugh,, i hope you didnt leave and fall in love this weekend... cause im not gunna lie.. im kinda worried... and 'kinda' is an understatement. i wonder if hearing that would push you away. that i think about you.. and who youre with, ughhhHHHH♥♥?
Mood:  __robotic!
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2005.05.21 17.11
come home!
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2005.05.21 15.50
last night, was a combination of two opposites. and you know, i missed that little kick.
Mood:  [soo tired]
Music: walking with a ghost - tegan and sara
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2005.05.18 18.41
wake up. smoke. almost miss bus. smoke. miss most of first. smoke. only try in periods 2 and 3. sleep period 5. catch bus from across the street/sometimes miss it and walk. smoke. smoke. come home. burn out. smoke. speak to someone who makes me feel like nothing, but occasionally makes me smile. speak to someone who i hope wont grow apart from me as the days go by. speak to someone that makes me smile but creeps me out a bit. smoke. play diablo. smoke. smoke. try and figure out who to call. smoke. smoke. smoke. try and fall asleep. settle for watching cheap entertainment on tv. roll around restlessly for half hour. pass out.
Mood: blank
Music: bright eyes - something vague
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2005.05.17 21.23
yeah.. so about that hope thing.. do i really need it? have i ever actually even had it? or is it all in my head. am i crazy for writing to a diary made of wires and electrons thats pinned up for the world to see? should i just throw this computer out the window like so many have done to me!? just tossed me aside, pushed me away? threw me away even.. am i to blame for feeling like this?? speaking of feelings, what the hell do i feel??! i almost wish i could go back to that time in my life when i had no emotion, when i felt nothing, life seemed at least easy then.. but i guess ill never be able to go back there again, unless i walk around in circles hoping to stumble upon the nothingness that once enveloped me.. am i making sense?! JUSTINE TO WORLD>>DO YOU READ ME
i dont even know if this does make sense.. nor do i care if it really does or not. because why the fuck does it matter anyway? no matter who we are or what we become, its all fucking pointless really. we all have the same fate. and its fucking inescapable, and its coming. but enough about tragic endings.. [for once] and maybe lets get a little posi. hmm. i love everyone and everything. yeah.,. fuck posi. i dont even know.
why oh why diary do i choose to like people when i know im asking for trouble? i guess you cant help who you like, nor can you help how they feel regardless of how bad you want things to be and how hard you try and i dont even know anymore. ill just stop before i start ranting.. HAHAHA START RANTING, WTF
Mood:  crazy
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2005.05.17 19.17
ugh Jenna, dont look there!!
....yet another timely regret. i love THINKING before i DO THINGS. CLEARLY. guhhhh.
Mood:  awake
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2005.05.17 18.53
so she tells me she loves me, explains it all nice, i ask what she was meant before when she said "i love you" and she says "the same thing" so i guess.. that means.. what?? anywayzzz...
maybe i should become asexual cause no one seems interested right now. i just need a vibrator and im off to a good start.
i actually kinda love singing glassjaw into my belt buckle and two-steppin around my room.
Mood:  dorky
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2005.05.11 20.20
you know what? fuck it. im just going to fucking book a first class ticket to zion, and live in bliss.
ahah more like shoot myself in the face. fuck.
Mood: crushed
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